I only wish

"I knew only too well how easily the longing accepts false objects and through what dark ways the pursuit of them leads us. But I also saw that the Desire itself contains the corrective of all these errors. The only fatal error was to pretend you had passed from desire to fruition, when, in reality, you had found either nothing, or desire itself, or the satisfaction of some different desire. The dialectic of Desire, faithfully followed, would retrieve all mistakes, head you off from all false paths, and force you to live through...a sort of [experiential] proof." -C.S. Lewis, The Pilgrim's Regress

I look around this place, life, and I see people who have abandoned their heart alongside the road of their journey. They're stopped in their tracks by despair, loneliness, resignation. I understand them because I have been there many times, laying on the side of the road in the deepest parts of the ditch, not even wanting to survive through the night.

But I will not, refuse not, to let my desire die alongside that road any longer. Although I know that to have desire is to accept all the pain and sorrow it will throw at me in life, it also can provide truth and true happiness, and to that I cling to.

I see people around me clinging to gossip, lies, deceit. But two years ago I promised myself that I will live a life that is so honest and open, that people will wonder why. Why do I subject myself to love everyone I come in contact with, even if they hurt me in return? Because I want them to know the God that loved me through all the fists I shook at him.

"And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall,
We lean another ladder against the wrong wall...
And climb high
to shake fists at the sky.
Others have their excuses,
I have my reasons why."
-Nickel Creek, Reasons Why

That is why I listen first. That's why God made me with a big heart, it seems. To desire for others, and myself, to succeed in life...to see others grow closer to Him, to come alongside those who are hurting and walk this crappy life on earth until God brings us home. If only all of the people I walk with will hear me listening to them. But I cannot change their hearts, only God can, and that knowledge hurts more than a lost love, because I can do nothing but watch them struggle in that ditch and only wish that I were there in that ditch with them so that they may understand His love.

I only wish.

An Adventure to Remember

SO.

My feet almost froze today.

The adventure began when Brittany and I decided to go on a walk because it was beautiful outside and we had the morning off. So we start walking through the meadows, catching up and having nice girlie time. When we got to the pond meadows, we started to hear frogs and the tomboy in me wanted to find one...so we walked around the marshy part of the meadows. By the time we passed the marsh, we were on our way back when we both decided that it would be adventurous to cross the creek so we could "visit" the baby horsies.

(By visit we mean not going near the babies because Tony Warnock would kill us because we'd be bothering them, but in reality we would just be getting cute pictures of them and maybe, just maybe, getting to pet them if their moms don't kill us as well.)

So we find a shallower point in the creek that looks non-threatening and we start to take off our shoes. At this point, two non-pregnant horses come ambling over to "have a drink" but I think they're there to mock us because they're on the other side already. Brittany takes off into the creek so she can get it over with, and I'm not too far behind her when we both start unconsciously start verbally chanting "cold, cold, COLD!" Halfway across (and we were only in the creek for about 5 seconds, so it's COLD), we can't feel our feet hitting the ground because they're numb. BUT, we make it, thank the Lord. Immediately hitting the other side Brittany and I danced around like mad trying to get warmth into our toes. The horse just stood there and mocked us, I swear.

And then we got to reap the benefits of our suffering by getting adorable pictures with the foals and they're mommies. But don't tell Tony Warnock.

Our beautiful walk...

The other side of the creekWe made it across!Happy that we are strong enough to take on the creek...But still scared!WE MADE IT!Yay!Feet before crossing...Feet after crossing...they're pink!The mocking horse.And our benefits: Baby horses!This one is my favorite!

Another Step

As I look to the mountains, I am reminded about where my hope comes from...
My hope comes from you, maker of heavens, creator of the earth.
Today in Colorado, it is 72 degrees and partly cloudy. A perfect day for a run. I haven't ran in what seems like a month because of my back. Hopefully this warm air will keep it loose and relaxed so it doesn't bother me. Someday, and don't hold me to it, I would like to run a marathon...I've never liked the prospect of running over 5 miles though, so we'll see.

I ran to the Jail and back (about 3 miles total), and on the way I visited our 4 new foals. The miracle of birth never ceases to amaze me. I loved watching them struggle to gain their balance on their wobbly legs...kind of like my struggle sometimes to gain my footing. Yet, I am aware that we have to stumble in life in order to continuously proceed in our faith journey. As one friend of mine told me,

"You can't always start something over...you have to proceed from where you are or else you will keep making the same mistakes that you had started over from."

That statement is also something that I've been learning from. So many times in my life I say, well I won't do that ever again because I'm going to start that chapter over. That was my mistake...I wasn't accepting what I had done in a way that I would take to heart the mistakes I HAD made in order to move past them. Very wordy, but I hope that makes sense.

To end on a happier note, I sat in the Dining Room with a guest family and was reminded about why I am here. They kept saying over and over how they loved their experience here, mostly because of the staff interactions they've had. I had the privilege to sing to them, as well as hear Josh, the young husband in the family, share some of his songs because he's a musician. It touched me that they wanted to stay in contact with me so I could send them songs that Drew and I record, and vice versa. It's something I will always remember. Plus, they said that I should be in a Pantene Pro V commercial, hahaha.

Just the Beginning

As I write this, I am reminded that I promised many people that I was going to start this blog this past fall...obviously that didn't happen.

So here I am, 8 months later, and I don't know what to write about.
I guess I will explain what the purpose of this blog will be used for...

1. Creative Writing
2. What God has been teaching me
3. Life on the Ranch
4. ETC.

I don't have much else to say, but this is just the intro anyway...
To get you started here are some of my favorite pictures from this past fall..

Waitrii 2008
Lost Valley Staff Girls
Reid, Will, and me being silly
The A Team
CK came to visit!
On top of Southern ComfortMy 23rd birthday surprise: Pie in the face
Fargo foreverSpongebob and his friends at HalloweenI love Becca and Will's faces!On top of Sheep's Rock Dome with my Uncle JimReid and I painted these boards, and Moose built themFirst SnowFirst RideMe and Lil' BitMe and NoahLittle Noah and Davis